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what is my worth....

July 15, 2010

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Well, it was Mothers Day once again, and I found myself giving myself the “yearly employee review”. You know the one… the am I good enough speech. Well, I came to the conclusion that I am a work in progress. While still feeling like I am not making any at times. There seems to be this need in me to prove something to anyone who will take the time to notice. I find myself leaning toward the side of craving approval and not relying on the complete source of my worth, God. I start the day out with talking to Him, asking Him to be with me all throughout the day and to give me strength. I have a list of things that I need to get done before the kids are even out of bed and I feel energized and ready to go. As I pull into the parking lot of the kids school it starts. The, am I a good mom? Am I giving enough to volunteer in their classes? Do I show enough love? Did I brush Skye’s hair enough? Does Gideon feel like I don’t give him enough attention? The list in my head is a monster that just roars and roars. After the drop-off it is time to tackle the daily “chores” and errands. The silence at times can be deafening. I will find myself done with everything with a couple hours to spare before pick-up and I will sit at my piano or guitar and attempt to write a tune, or just take that time to sing out my frustrations or put to music what I can not express otherwise. It is in these moments that I find God. I find that the maker of the universe is sitting in the same room with me, listening to me and telling me.. (get this) that he LOVES me and made me unique and thinks I have great worth. At times it is overwhelming. I mean, I tend to want to live up to expectations, to find my failings as the defining mark of who I am. I wallow in my falling short and too often refuse to let the forgiveness that has been given by Him stick on my soul in my eyes. When I stop for a moment and just listen to God whisper to the very depth of my soul and tell me he LOVES me. That my worth is defined by the one who CREATED me and gave His life for me. How glad I am that this is reality not what I make it to be. How wonderful to rest in that thought and be able to take another step, breathe another breath and know I can do it without expecting applause from others. He sets me free from that, and gives me the real in place of the fake.

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